Transcript
How did I end up last night dressed like this, but soaking wet and surrounded by Ninja Turtles? And not even seeing the Barbie movie? Great question. I would love to tell you. So last week, my girlfriend Shira and I watched Oppenheimer. And it was great. You should all go and see it. But then she comes to me saying, we can't watch the Oppenheimer pitch meeting because it's a combo one with Barbie. Now pitch meetings are like 74% of why I even watch movies these days, so I'm sold. So she got us tickets for the next discount Tuesday. Which, if you don't know about it yet, is basically the only time you should be watching movies in the theaters these days. Now I knew that she'd be getting her full Barbie on, even though she normally hates pink. But she would expect me to just repurpose some old stuff for Ken. So I decided to secretly buy this new wig and spend a bit too long styling it rather than just keep the original shiny version. Because productive procrastination is always better than working. So Tuesday comes. We each walk out in our outfits and give ourselves an appreciative high five for a job well done, and we head off to the movie. It's usually a 15-minute walk, but more like 20 minutes in those heels, which are more like evil mousetraps? I don't know how you guys wear that. or hobbling down the streets of New York, getting all sorts of great comments from passersby. I think my favorite was, y'all can cannon Barbie all day long. At one point my mother calls, and I have to cut that conversation short by telling her, we're about to see Barbie, which apparently started a side bedding pool with my brother and his wife to see what we were wearing at the time. They know us. So we're block away from the theater. It's seven minutes past official start time because previews are really just spoilers. When suddenly I hear a pitter, pitter, pitter, pitter, from behind us. I turn around and it's a full friend of ours dressed in full Ninja Turtle gear, yelling at us for how dare we go and see that movie instead of the Ninja Turtle movie. And she's got this bottle of sewer water that she starts dousing us with. Now I'm pretty confused at this point, sort of laughing and taking it in stride, but Shira's getting super upset at getting all wet and her outfit being ruined. And she's the type who often needs a sweater in 80-degree weather, so I was getting a bit concerned about her sitting through a cold air-conditioned movie theater like that. But to make matters more surreal, other girls in pantsuits run over. And I have definitely never seen them before my life. And they start apologizing on behalf of the turtle, saying they're her PR team, and giving me a number I can call and complain. And complimentary tickets to the upcoming Ninja Turtle movie. Except all of the above are handwritten on little pieces of laminated paper. So they hand them over, apologize again, and then run off after the turtle. So there I was, still dripping with what I hope was not actually sewer water, running through the possibilities in my mind. friend was going to a Ninja Turtle premiere with her two friends, and she heard that we were going to the Barbie premiere and all dressed up, and she decided to just come over and prank us. She would. Now, disclaimer, this was yesterday, and today is my birthday, so I was a little bit suspicious about the goings-ons. Is that how you say it? But Shira was acting upset enough that for a few minutes, I was thinking that maybe she had separate birthday plans for us after the Barbie movie. Now, this had ruined them all, because she now needed to go back and change rather than sit through a movie all freezing wet. And there I am, trying to be all practical and point out that we probably, we probably probably wouldn't make it back in time before the movie starts, so I'm there looking up other potential show times. Yeah. After a minute or two of walking back, with her death heels now off, it finally fully clicks in my utterly oblivious brain. We're not seeing Barbie tonight. Sure enough, we get back to our apartment and a bunch of our friends in varying states of Ninja Turtle dress jump out yelling surprise! And we proceed to have a full-on Ninja Turtle theme surprise. party, complete with me eating pizza topped with peanut butter, avocado, and pickles, which I guess is a ninja turtle thing. I spend the whole night still dressed as Ken. It turns out that those two publicists were just random neighbors that she found on Facebook that morning. And the kicker? Most of our ninja turtle dressed friends didn't even realize this when Shira planned at all. But I have never even seen a single episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or watched a movie. I know nothing about it, which Shira knew full well. Today my mother called and asked how the movie was.
Additional notes
The cops that were watching this happen were also pretty confused 😂 #barbie